My father is N and I am an ACON. Today I bought Children of the Self Absorbed by Nina Brown, and was disappointed in that it didn't answer the question that has been haunting me for a while now: do I go no-contact with N father, or continue with psychotherapy and simply grow personally to where interactions with him no longer stir up a wasps nest of emotions (assuming this is feasible).

It seems unfair to ACONs in that there doesn't seem to be a big discussion on how to determine "when to get out" as there are in marital contexts. So many books are titled "leaving the narcissist in your life"....Lundy Bancroft literally saved my mother through his excellent work (she is now divorcing dad) but as for myself, I wanted to know what books were apropos.

And again, to be clear, this is books that specifically address weighing the pros and cons of whether or not to totally disengage from an N parent...if they're out there!

Thank you to anyone willing to respond.

spiralaterus,

((((((((((hugs))))))))))

"It seems unfair to ACONs in that there doesn't seem to be a big discussion on how to determine "when to get out" as there are in marital contexts. So many books are titled "leaving the narcissist in your life"....Lundy Bancroft literally saved my mother through his excellent work (she is now divorcing dad) but as for myself, I wanted to know what books were apropos. "

I feel the toughest descision someone can make in their lives is going NC with a loved one or family member, I also feel that is up to that individual.  When I was faced with it, I had no choice, it was just the healthiest thing I could do for me.  At the time it was the biggest thing besides living my ex N husband that I ever had to do.

In the beginning it was just taking sometime away from my N mother, yet my family they just could not let it go, maybe pressure from my N mother and the whole control thingy, control is an issue in dysfunctional families.  I got beat down day after day by my sisters "How can you do this to our mother?'  Then it was "How can you do this to us?"  All the explaining in the world about how it was about me, did no good...soon I just had to go NC with them all and then they went even more nuts.

Every book I have ever read from "Toxic Parents" to all the books about Abused children, books on ACONs, books on Controlling Parents, they do say to try to commuincate , try to set boundaries yet you maybe left with no choice but to just go NC.

For me going NC is good, the healthy thing to do, I was weak, I needed to grow myself, heal, I have popped back into their lives and tried to set boundaries and then leave.  I still have lots of wounds to heal before I will consider letting them back into my life...maybe I will never let them back into my life?  Or Maybe not.

When I am faced with something and I talk with my counselor she will ask me question after question and then ask "What will it take?"

So I guess it is up to each individual, "What will it take?"  How important is it to that individual to keep an N parent in their lives?  What are you getting out of it?  Are you learning to set boundaries?  Are you healing by keeping them in your life?  Would it be healthier for you to go NC?

All tough questions and lots of soul searching.

Wishing you peace and healing on your journey

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