Calm the tantrum throwers in the corner office

WALLACE IMMEN

From Friday's Globe and Mail
Last updated on Friday, Jul. 31, 2009 07:30AM EDT
 

Their demands seem to know no limits. They get distracted easily. And when things don't go their way, they can unexpectedly fly into a tantrum.

You'd expect this kind of behaviour from a two-year-old, but it may also sound like a description of your boss these days.

Tough times are bringing out troubling traits even in bosses who seemed supportive and easy to deal with before the recession began, career pros say.

Employees need to develop some strategies to cope with bad boss behaviour, they add.

"I am certainly seeing some shocking examples of insensitive and even cruel behaviour from people in charge," says workplace psychologist Dr. Merv Gilbert, principal of Gilbert Acton Consulting in Vancouver.

As an example, he cites one employee who recently told him about approaching his supervisor to request an unpaid day off.

He needed to be at home to care for two young children while his wife, who had just lost her job, went to look for work.

"The supervisor was aware that the employee had just bought a new home and that finances were tight," Dr. Gilbert recalls.

"Rather than considering the employee's request ... the supervisor curtly dismissed the employee with, 'How dare you ask me that? You should be happy you still have a job. These are hard times.' "

And, in a parting shot as the employee left the room, the boss added, "You should have thought of this when you had kids," Dr. Gilbert says.

That employee is not the only one facing bad boss behaviour.

In the past year, Dr. Gilbert says that he has seen his caseload of patients complaining of conflicts with their boss more than double.

The big increases are in employees feeling bullied into taking on crippling workloads and in those facing regularly changing, inconsistent demands from managers, Dr. Gilbert says.

Such bosses may not even realize their callous behaviour is unacceptable because no one is standing up to them, says workplace and leadership specialist Graham Lowe, president of the Graham Lowe Group in Kelowna, B.C.

In these times, employees are more reluctant to push back, he adds.

"With unemployment being so high, employees are obviously concerned about keeping their jobs and, therefore, more likely to feel they have to take whatever's dished out so they can keep their jobs," Mr. Lowe adds.

And bosses, too, are under more stress.

"Managers are facing enormous pressures to push harder to deliver results at a time when there is great uncertainty whether goals are achievable," Mr. Lowe observes.

This all makes for a dangerous situation that corporate management should be keeping a closer eye on, because it can demoralize workers and reduce job performance, he says.

Unfortunately, top management may be just as distracted, and not addressing the problem, he adds.

So a couple of new books say that it's time for employees to develop strategies to manage their bosses.

One of the books, entitled Working for You Isn't Working for Me, The Ultimate Guide to Managing Your Boss, recommends that employees acknowledge the reality that stress is bringing out the worst in their boss.

It also suggests that they develop ways to avoid being a victim of their leaders' rogue behaviour.

"Employees can waste a lot of time and energy trying to make sense of the situation, and wishing they had another boss," says psychotherapist Katherine Crowley, who co-authored the book with staff training specialist Kathi Elster.

Both are partners in the New York-based management consulting firm K Squared Enterprises.

"You're better off developing strategies to keep the bad boss behaviours from impacting your behaviour and your ability to do your job," Ms. Crowley adds.

The key is to stand up, not run away, Ms. Crowley advises.

"What happens often when there is tension with the boss is that people don't want to have interactions, so they may withhold the support and confidence the boss needs to avoid falling into bad behaviours," Ms. Crowley says.

"You want to make sure that you stay in contact frequently with the boss and make it clear you understand his or her agenda and do whatever you can to help make it happen. We're in survival mode and the boss is not going to want to sink their potential life raft," Ms. Elster says.

The other book, Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant, suggests that you try thinking of an unco-operative boss like an unruly kid, and use the variety of parenting tactics that work on tots to get him or her to play nice.

"There are many striking parallels between difficult bosses and children - and almost all executives behave this way at some point," says author Lynn Taylor , chief executive officer of Lynn Taylor Consulting in Santa Barbara, Calif.

There are time-honoured parenting techniques to use, she says.

"Set limits and boundaries, anticipate their needs, create distractions to get their attention off a tantrum, use good timing and humour and reward their good behaviours."

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BAD BOSS BEHAVIOURS

So what are the kinds of bosses to watch out for? Here's a top 10 list, culled from both books, and the authors' strategies for managing your manager

The chronic critic

The behaviour

Frustration over having things not go his or her way makes this boss find fault with everything you do.

How to deal with it

Stay resilient. Don't try to defend yourself against the corrections or you will receive more of them. Instead, smile, take notes and then walk away without taking the comments personally.

The checked-out boss

The behaviour

This person responds to a growing workload by passing it on to you.

How to deal with it

Keep a careful record of the fallout you're carrying because of your boss's absentee behaviour. Then when you have a review with your boss, show him or her the facts and ask for a reward for handling it, or a less arduous workload in the future.

The spineless boss

The behaviour

This boss tends to hide out, either due to indecision or to uncertainty about what to say about a challenging situation.

How to deal with it

Take the lead. Decide what needs to be done and approach the boss with documented evidence of why your recommendation should go forward.

The rule changer

The behaviour

This boss reacts to uncertainty by regularly changing decisions and rearranging priorities.

How to deal with it

Stay flexible. Accept the fact that plans are tentative and check in daily to keep abreast of priorities to avoid wasting efforts.

The demanding boss

The behaviour

Underneath it all, this boss feels burdened and out of control and when things seem to be getting out of hand, turns to you, assuming you will take on ever more of his or her load.

How to deal with it

Have boundaries, and stand your ground. When the boss gives you more work and your plate is full, make it clear you are busy and may need more time. A reality check lets you show you're helping with the load but setting limits on further burdens.

The insecure boss

The behaviour

This boss is constantly checking in and asking you to revisit finished work for fear of being second-guessed or reprimanded for not being good enough.

How to deal with it

Stroke their ego. Express confidence that work is on track. Avoid talking about any doubts that could provoke further insecurity. Regularly remind bosses of their, and your, past successes.

The distracted boss

The behaviour

Too many things are on the boss's mind, creating a short attention span, so ideas get forgotten and discussions need to be repeated.

How to deal with it

Use props, visual aids and supportive materials to hold his or her attention. Make communications compelling and to the point. Follow up with a written summary of decisions.

The tantrum thrower

The behaviour

Angry because something is not going his or her way, this boss panics and lashes out at whoever he or she blames for the problem - or even the nearest unsuspecting target.

How to deal with it

Call a time out. Never fight a tantrum with a tantrum, which will only make it grow. Find shelter until the storm passes. For instance, look at your watch and say, "I've got an important call scheduled. Would you agree to defer this discussion until later?" When you come back to the discussion, the emotion will invariably have lessened.

The fickle boss

The behaviour

Even though you got approval and your project is well under way, the boss suddenly has another prime directive and asks you to start over.

How to deal with it

Shore up the boss's confidence in having picked the right course to begin with to make for less flip-flopping. Offer up supporting materials and endorsements of the wisdom of the plan from others.

The control freak

The behaviour

Fearful of being caught off guard when so many things are changing so quickly, this boss wants constant status reports and final say on everything that is going on, which means time-wasting meetings and long waits for a go-ahead.

How to deal with it

Provide constant updates. No matter how time-consuming it may seem to soothe the boss's anxiety, over time it will win trust and mean less constant interference.

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React like a grownup

Your boss may act like a kid, but here's the grown-up way to react, from Lynn Taylor, author of Tame Your Terrible Office Tyrant:

the friendliest approach

Determine the least stressful way to discuss things. Some bosses opt for e-mail, others favour phone messages or face-to-face.

Practice timing

Avoid bringing up bad news or asking for favours at the wrong times - close to lunch, late afternoon, nearing time to go home.

Communicate regularly

Make dialogue with the boss part of your routine so it becomes more natural and less stressful.

Anticipate

See problems coming and prepare a calming, positive spin. For instance, if one account is in jeopardy, discuss progress on other accounts.

Avoid storms

Stay out of the line of fire if the boss is under particular stress.

Don't snap back

If caught when the boss is having a tantrum, listen calmly and react with a comment such as, "I hear you," then walk away.

Use humour

Laughter is a great defuser of tension. Have a quick joke ready to tell at the end of a difficult discussion or break up an argument by taking a pause and saying something like: "Are we having fun yet?"

Manage up

Be the voice of reason and calm under pressure. Your boss will appreciate that and want to stay on your good side.

Work, don't worry

Dreading the storm clouds or wishing for a different boss just wastes time and will distract you from doing your best work.

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