Good Advice -
a Document always under construction.


We've collected many tips along the way over the years. Often the original authors names are lost sadly and if you are the author, please let us know and we'll gladly credit you. We hope these will help you in your contacts with your abusers.
   


Great advice for mothers of kids with Nfathers
 I found this somewhere on the web a year ago and it's such a great "recipe" I have to share it!

“Associate as little as possible with the ex, preferably by e-mail and keep it all business. The children will recognize what you are doing by the time they are pre-teens. You need not say a thing.

Compliment your child daily, even over the phone when they are visiting with their father. Ask questions about their day and how they feel and what their opinions are on different subjects and issues. Let them be HEARD; the narcissist will never really hear their sweet voices. Hug them and display closeness by holding hands, smiling, laughing and joking with them.

Criticize when necessary, but only in private. Make sure they know it is the action you do not care for, but you still love them, no matter what, period, and SAY this to them. Praise them in public and not just for their accomplishments, but just for them being who and what they are. Soften your tone and voice, they need to hear kind words and thoughtful manners to wash away the strident harshness of their father’s cruel, acerbic and almost always critical voice.

Let them know, in the most non-offensive way, that you do not approve of their father’s actions, as they are disrespectful to others. Make sure they SEE YOU behaving in a loving, accepting and respectful way to all others. Show them how to do the right thing under all circumstances and to be kind, no matter what. Teach them that all they can truly control is themselves and live this one (especially) by example!

Tell them each day that you love them, and I mean every day. Admire their accomplishments, encourage them to be frank, open honest and speak their minds, even to their father. Assure them that you are 100% behind them at all times. Teach them not to be afraid of this man or anyone else, and that they are worthy of the love they receive from you and others.

Lastly, when the time is right, let them watch you and include them often in a loving relationship with a normal man. They will discern what is right and what is narcissistic behavior.”
(posted by Mariemarie at Runboard May 09) 
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More tips here:
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/tips-and-traps.php

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I have 'one of those' neighbours. We share a side-by-side duplex. She rents out every room. She rents out the garage. Therefore, she takes up the street with parking for herself and her roomies. This leaves no room for me to park in front of my own house. She borrows things like rakes etc. She puts her garbage in my container on garbage day. Or, she (or her roomies) dumps it in my yard for me to clean up. I have been spending my own time/money to keep the front yard shared tree disease free and healthy. She borrows my rake once in a while when she decides to actually do some work. She fails to return the rake and I have to go get it back. She enjoys this control stuff. So, I kept the recipt to show her for the fertilizer for our shared tree. When she came over to borrow something I told her OK, but I need to discuss something with you. I have been spending my own money, my time and my equipment to keep our tree healthy and would you contribute to your half of the cost of the fertilizer? She hummed and hawed about 'nobody told her about any costs involved but yes, and she would pay me back. So I told her first you pay me for half the cost then you can borrow my rake. "Oh I promise I'll pay you but right now I have only a short time to get the yard work done." I anticipated this so I told her that she needed to pay me first, then she could borrow the rake." I never heard from her again.

Now I return her garbage to her yard in a location where she has to move it herself and when she moves her car I park in front of my own house. If she wants to start some smear campaign against me then the truth is that the last time I saw her was when she wanted to borrow my rake and I said yes, but she never paid for the cost of the fertilizer as I had requested.  

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