Relationship Safety Tips

These tactics can improve your safety.
There are no tactics which can provide any guarantees.
You know your abuser best.

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"Each Time a man stands up for an ideal, or acts to improve
the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends
forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each
other from a million different centers of energy and daring,
those ripples build a current which can sweep
down the mightiest walls of oppression and injustice."
- Robert F. Kennedy

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From: Loving the Self Absorbed, Nina W. Brown
If you are convinced, or feel reasonably certain that you are in a relationship with a destructive narcissist, you may be tempted to do all or any of the following
Tell your partner that he or she is a destructive narcissist.
Confront your partner about their behavior and attitudes.
Leave this book where you partner can see it with the hope that they will read it and see what they are doing.
Give your partner the book and tell them to read it, since it’s about them.


Do not do any of the above, or anything similar.
Here is why these acts are not helpful.


Persons with a destructive narcissist pattern cannot see the behaviors and attitudes they exhibit as you and others perceive them. They are unaware of the impact on you, and are well defended against knowing. Further, your attempts to make them aware or get through to them will fail, and will be perceived as threats to their core essential self. This will bring out their defenses for protection. The defenses are likely to be hostile, aggressive, strong and immediately available to them, so that they are able to attack and mount a strong counteroffensive in a nanosecond. You generally do not win or make any headway, and can find yourself in a worse position than before.

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(Note: members find this a VERY SUCCESSFUL strategy - using face-saving tactics with narcissists is essential to avoid possible cruel retaliation)
 
How to Leave a Narcissist. The narcissist analyses (and internalizes) everything in terms of blame and guilt, superiority and inferiority, gain (victory) and loss (defeat) and the resulting matrix of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are binary contraptions. Thus, the formula is very simple: Shift the blame to yourself ("I don't know what happened to me, I have changed, it is my fault, I am to blame for this, you are constant, reliable and consistent).

Tell him you feel guilty (excruciatingly so, in great and picturesque detail). Tell him how superior he is and how inferior you feel. Make this separation your loss and his absolute, unmitigated gain. Convince him that he is likely to gain more supply from others (future women?) than he ever did or will from you. BUT Make clear that your decision - though evidently "erroneous" and "pathological" - is FINAL, irrevocable and that all contact is to be severed henceforth. And never leave ANYTHING in writing.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List
http://samvak.tripod.com/archive35.html

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A critical factor in this breakup is:  THE MOST VOLATILE PART OF HIS PERSONALITY IS LIKELY TO BECOME MORE VOLATILE WHEN YOU BREAK UP. This means if he is violent, he is likely to become MORE violent during a breakup. If he drinks a lot, he is likely to drink even MORE during a breakup. YOU are the best position to know what his volatility may be during the course of the breakup based on what he is normally volatile over on a day-to-day basis.
from: How to Break Up with a Dangerous Man by Sandra L. Brown, MA.


"It's like the N's are vampires, feeding off our souls. They cannot acknowledge that they are wrong just as a vampire cannot face the sunlight. It would destroy them."
Echo No Longer;
The Recovery Process of the Partner of the Person Suffering from a Narcissistically Impaired Personality. Mary Ann Borg Cunen, M.A.
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f29.t64

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The Importance of How You Leave an Abusive Relationship

So when you hear people say the danger will escalate when you leave, the message is NOT don't leave. The message is be mindful that there is a right way to leave and a wrong way to leave. When you decide to leave, leave quickly and quietly. Do not go to your partner and tell him why you're leaving. If you are thinking of doing this, you may not be ready to leave.

Rather you may unconsciously be hoping that if your partner knows he will loss you that he will change. And this may be so. And it may not be so. Find out how to leave to insure your safety; rather than compromise it as part of you preparation to leave an abusive relationship.
5 Tips for Leaving
http://ezinearticles.com/?Leaving-an-Emotionally-and-Psychologically-Abusive-Partner---5-Tips-For-Moving-Out&id=1815016

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TIPS ON LEAVING
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f4.t1555

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From: Maxine Marz - Columnist and Safety and Security Consultant and Criminologist
 Successful Leaving Tips
If you sense your partner's aggression escalating where you fear being physically attacked, simply leave the home. Go to your neighbors, a friend's or relative's home and inform them of what happened. Telling others will help calm you down, afford you with emotional support and expose the abuser. Most importantly, it will also establish witnesses should you need them to testify at a divorce proceeding. It is also advantageous to bring someone back with you when you return to your home to resolve the argument or when picking up your belongings. Third, keep a journal of all abuse incidents and names of people you told. Also take photos of injuries you sustained or property your partner damaged. If possible, tape-record and/or videotape altercations. Be sure to keep all documentation of abuse in a safe place away from your partner's reach.

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Ending abusive relationship Tips

Gather information from reputable Domestic Violence websites about safe leaving. Leave when the abuser is out or get police assistance in moving your items. Consider leaving a message reading "I am confused right now and I will contact you when I've had a chance to think."

Do this only to let the abuser cool down, and give him a chance to find other preoccupations. Never contact him again - NOT EVER!!

Consider letting your friends/family know you have left an abusive relationships and request their assistance in your safety. Do not tell them your address or contact information as this will put them in potential danger. Tell your employer that you have ended an abusive relationship and you are uncertain about whether the abuser may try to cause you problems at work.' You will have pre-empted him by doing this. Abusers often try to interfere with their target's livelihood.

Then, No Contact - if he shows up at your place call the police and if he calls hang up. It contact occurs, let him know one time only that you do not wish to have any further contact with him and tell him to never contact you again. Once is sufficient.
Suggestion "I've decided to end our relationship. Don't contact me any further." No further explanation is needed. That's your decision.

Cease all contact with your abuser. This is always hard. You want them back; you want to believe that they will change, and that this time will be better. You want them to show remorse for hurting you, and promise that everything is going to be different. You may have an almost uncontrollable urge to contact them, and will make an excuse to call them. Don't do it. Nothing will get better, and things will not change, despite what you will be told. This is a common tactic used by abusers to weaken their victim in a continued ploy for control. Continued contact will only prolong the agony, and make things more difficult for you. Quit cold turkey. Do not give out your new phone number, location or anything else. Stay true to yourself.
How to Leave an Abusive Relationship
http://www.ehow.com/how_4519047_leave-abusive-relationship.html

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If you are involved in a custody/visitation arrangement, you are then court ordered to have contact so learn the ropes of such contact - See our resource pages on Divorce/Custody Tips and Traps.
http://abuserecovery.synthasite.com/tips-and-traps.php

as well as information on Divorce/Custody here
http://www.runboard.com/bnarcissisticabuserecovery.f17

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